More Funnies

[wralst]

We were getting too far away with all the non-funny threads and need to be at the top again


This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[wralst]

I hope you don't mind, its too much work to put all the spaces in-between the lines.
 
 
 
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... dead ones
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
I have the body of a god... Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don't like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

[wralst]

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.



"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

[wralst]

By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.


The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.


By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.


The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.


The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[natalukjoe]

"It's a free country. I wish it weren't, but it's a free country, and you got to, you got to respect that freedom." --Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick, a Democrat, objecting to the Glenn Beck rally and typifying the Left's attitude toward free speech -- it's great only if they agree with it
now that's funny

[13.99]

if someone does nothing yet they believe what is happening, are they part of your collective?

[wralst]

Interesting that a non-partisan joke thread draws such idiocy.
 
 

[daroadie]

LMAO!